Opinion

Greetings from Birmingham, Ala., where I’m attending the National Association of Black Journalists conference.

I was on a panel to talk about how Black women journalists are coping with increased abuse, threats and harassment — which drew a standing-room-only crowd. My co-panelists included Mara Gay, editorial writer for the New York Times; Nikole Hannah-Jones, staff writer for the New York Times Magazine and creator of “The 1619 Project”; Caitlin Dickerson, investigative journalist and staff writer for the Atlantic; Nicole Carr, investigative reporter for ProPublica; and Kat Stafford, an investigative reporter for the Associated Press.

One audience member asked how we deal with difficult news cycles and what seem like regressions in social and economic progress. My response? Sometimes, when things seem utterly hopeless and absurd, I just have to attack them with humor, satire and sarcasm.

So, let’s play. (Note: The story below is true. The quotes are all fictional!)

International observers are becoming increasingly concerned for the long-term stability of the United States, which has been besieged by increasing corruption, hate crimes and disasters wrought by climate change.

On Tuesday, the credit agency Fitch Ratings downgraded the United States’ credit rating from AAA to AA+, the second of the three major credit-rating agencies to ding the troubled former British colony. The agency said it based its decision on expected fiscal deterioration and the country’s habit of engaging in last-minute brinkmanship over the debt ceiling. (Standard & Poor’s downgraded the United States in 2011.)

Government officials blasted Fitch’s decision and scrambled to figure out how to explain the downgrade to the average American. “Whatever, we will be fine,” one anonymous official said. “We don’t need AAA economic batteries. We can jury-rig the economy with some aluminum foil and still run on any ol’ batteries and call it a day.”

In recent weeks, the United States has been eyeing unidentified-flying-object activity, holding congressional hearings on the matter. If alien life exists, U.S. finance officials have said, they are eager to explore opportunities to send a delegation to apply for intergalactic same-day loans.

African analysts have in the past commented on the increasing “Africanization” of America, with its embrace of authoritarian politicians, its growing xenophobia, its rampant gun violence and its rising maternal mortality rates. Famed commentator Trevor Noah said during Donald Trump’s first election campaign that if elected, Trump would become America’s first African president. The former president has now been indicted on charges that he attempted to overthrow the U.S. government after the 2020 election.

Fitch’s downgrade brings the United States one step closer to Africa’s reality. Just as Biden administration officials have lashed out at Fitch for the downgrade, African governments have in the past accused credit-rating agencies of being institutionally biased against African countries.

Wealthy nations and international financial institutions such as the International Monetary Fund have long been criticized for offering loans with high interest rates to heavily indebted countries while demanding structural reforms. This has led poorer countries to cut back on public-sector spending on services such as health care and education to service their loan agreements, harming those nations’ development.

Dell Eethis, an international finance analyst and expert on the southern region of the United States, said he had hope for the shaky country’s future.

“Already, I can see that the conservatives are beginning to make cuts to education, which could save some money,” Eethis said. “Florida is especially doing well. The cuts to CRT, ethnic studies, AP psychology and other bloat are going to set a good fiscal example to the rest of the country.”

When a reporter pointed out that these cuts unfairly target Black people and the LGBTQ+ community, Eethis shrugged. “All this talk about affirmative action and pronouns has made America look soft, look weak and look ‘beta,’ as the cultural slang calls it,” Eethis said. The analyst added that he is preparing to debut a new male-empowerment podcast to target America’s “struggling man population,” with funding from international development agencies.

“This is the feminization of America happening before our eyes. America gets identified as AA+ now? We have to focus on Making America AAAlpha Again.”

(With thanks to my friend Nana Spio-Garbrah, whose prompt on social media helped inspire this dispatch.)

Do you have questions, comments, tips, recipes, poems, praise or critiques for me? Submit them here. I do read every submission and may include yours in a future version of the newsletter.